Thanks to One and All....

[wraithfodder]

A friend emailed this to me – one of those joke emails and this one is too funny not to share as it’s all about you learn via email….

 As we progress in the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
 
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
 
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the  1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
 
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
 
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or  feathers.
 
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
 
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
 
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit  down.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
 
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
 
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
 
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
 
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
 
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
 
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .  .
 
Oh, by the way.....
 
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..
 
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late..
 
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet
 

Comments

[syble4.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!!

[colls]

ROFL!!! I've seen variations of most of these.
I travel for work a lot and swab the damned hotel remote control with lysol, lysol wipe, or antibacterial gel now. (or just watch something on my laptop).
Creazy germaphobe emailers have brain washed me.

[stella-pegasi.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, I travel for my job like colls and I do the same thing. Clean everything I touch in the hotel, including wiping the tub down, etc. We have been brainwashed. Thanks for sharing...this was really funny and somewhat embarrassing.....:-D.

[coolbreeze1.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha! That is great.

I read the entire thing with my hand on my mouse.

[gyri.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Heeee! :D that was great.

[(Anonymous)]

This was really funny! I think though with this crisis, all this sickening habits will soon be history. I even started looking for a cave somewhere in the mountains, though I hope there will be no bear claiming with papers that's his. That'll be harsh!
Carmen

PS: I'm waiting for that dove of diarrhea at 5.00pm

[squonk79.livejournal.com]

Priceless. :D

Hand on mouse the whole time.

And i've always opened public bathroom doors by the very top of the handle, where no-one else touches.

And the can thing ain't such a bad idea either.

Oh dear.

[leesa_perrie]

LOL!!! Oh boy, that's priceless!! Though I admit, like squonk79, that I tend to open public bathroom doors with the top of the handle on the basis that not many people will do that!! Oh dear!

Oh, and I tend to wipe the tops of cans just in case, but that didn't come from an email, that came from my hubby who got that from his mum and so the advice predates email! *g*

[wildcat88.livejournal.com]

Hee! That was terrific. And so true!

[archersangel.livejournal.com]

my mom taught me to wipe soda cans with my shirt tail or a napkin. probably does squat, huh?

[cblue007.livejournal.com]

That is one of the funnest things I have read! Thanks for the huge belly laugh!!