wraithfodder | Spoiler Caps + Irrerevent Dialogue from Stargate Atlantis "TRIO" episode

We’ve got several days to kill before the Stargate Atlantis episode TRIO airs, so take a sneak peek at the original script for this daringly originally script. Really. Would I lie to you? Oh, photos contain spoilers, so you’re warned…

A teaser for the excitement ahead! But the description leaves out the spoilerish details ;)

STARGATE ATLANTIS

“TRIO”

It’s another great day in Atlantis, mostly because maintenance finally cleaned up the bloodstains off the floor from a regrettable incident that happened in between episodes.

Carter would like Keller and McKay to accompany her on a trade mission for tea.

“Tea? I’m not wasting my time for tea. Tea’s for sissies,” insists McKay. Yeah, like that will get him out of the mission.

Sheppard uses military authority to get out of the mission: he’s got a bet riding with Ronon that he won’t bite down on the Tootsie Pop before he gets to the chewy center.

McKay was at first pissed that Sheppard stayed behind, but hey, this is a guy’s fantasy. He’s off in the wilderness on an alien planet with two hot women!

But suddenly, disaster erupts! “Oh no,” groans Rodney. “ I shouldn’t have eaten that week-old burrito! ARGH!”

“Oh my god, that is disgusting,” Keller exclaims, watching Rodney. (insert awful, off-screen sounds of retching)

“Rodney, what was in that burrito?” asks Sam in horror. “You burned a hole right through the ground.”

“Oh, my stomach,” groans Rodney. “And my ankles, and my subclavical whatever. I’ll be crippled for life. Burp.”

Sam decides they’ll go back to Atlantis for a rescue team.

But then the ground, weakened by the powerful combination of burrito barf and alien mole tunnels, erodes beneath them and the two women plummet into the deep dark pit (insert screams of terror, akin to the sounds when receiving your heating oil bill).

“Well, this is a fine mess,” Sam deduces as they look up at the hole way, far beyond their reach.

Suddenly the ground shakes.

Rodney grabs onto the wall, wishing he’d been closer to Carter at that exact moment as it would have been excusable to grab her then to steady himself in a situation like that, instead of being accused of sexual harassment. Darn. Bad timing.

“That was at least a 10.5 tremor!”

“Didn’t we just see that movie the other day from the DVD batch from the SciFi channel? The one where the president looked an awful lot like General Landry. You know, the four hour earthquake miniseries?”

“You’re talking stupid scientifically inaccurate not to mention poorly acted movies at a time like this!” Rodney pauses for a long moment. “I wonder if Landry has a twin.”

“Help, we’ve fallen into the pit and can’t get up.”

Two local kids look at them. “Stupid tourists. It’ll cost you fifty crescents if you want rescued.”

“We don’t have any crescent rolls and if I had any I wouldn’t give you any!” warns Rodney.

“They want money, you idiot,” says Sam.

“Don’t you have any money in your breast pockets, er, um, jacket?” coughs Rodney.

“Don’t you think we should wait for Colonel Sheppard to notice us missing and come rescue us?”

Sam realizes if they wait for Sheppard to get done with his dumb Tootsie Pop, they’re doomed.

Only a little higher. This isn’t any different than trying to break into Jack’s house (the second story in his new Washington bachelor pad).

Well, that didn’t work too well, but then neither does trying to get into Jack’s second story window. Maybe she’ll ring the doorbell the next time. Ow….

“Just lie still. I’ll think up a plan to save us all,” promises Rodney.

“Oh god, I’m going to die down here with Rodney McKay. Shoot me now!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be rescued. I read the rest of the script,” assures Keller.

Sam is starting to rethink that cushy job back at Area 51. Where she had a selection of a dozen different flavored coffees and a parking space with her name on it.

Where she didn’t have to lie in dirty alien ruins with a busted leg.

Or crawl through said ruins.

Meanwhile, McKay finds he couldn’t even get to first base with Keller (as he’s still on the rebound from Katie sorta dumping him after the regrettable we-will-never-talk-about-it-again incident in the plant room during the Quarantine. He’s depressed, but he finds a big hole in the wall. “This hole is weird,” says Keller.

Wait. Rodney, the brilliant scientist but hardly a naturalist, studies the opening. Oh no. “Those look like gnawing teeth marks,” he says in growing horror.

“Eek! Mouse!” screams Sam.

“I knew it! Rats! Giant man-eating rats! We’re doomed!”

“Or ants. Giant ants like tunnels like these.” Rodney resists the urge to curl into a fetal position and moan about despair. He misses his laptop.

However, the skittering noises of giant sharp claws echoing through the tunnels is enough to provoke the team members to escape by swinging across the massive, humongous, bottomless (you get the drift) chasm below them.

Rodney preps for his heroic Luke Skywalker-type launch across said chasm.

“Hurry or this is going down on your review form!”

“For god’s sake, Rodney, do something! Get your ass in gear!”

“Nag, nag, nag. It’s ALWAYS up to me to save the day!”

Fortunately in the miracle that always occurs at the last minute due to the unexpected disclosure of some kind of Ancient technology, Rodney finds an Ancient cigarette lighter and sets alight his jacket, which still reeks of burrito, er, um, spatter. The volatile mixture ignites in a terrifying conflagration which consumes the hordes of hungry giant man-eating rodents, thus, once again, saving the day. Not to mention they have some barbecue to munch on while waiting for rescue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fade to commercial and all is once again hunky-dory with the team. They’re rescued and back in the nice comfy confines of an alien city on which they pay no rent (or even taxes – no wonder they don’t want to go back to Earth!)

Rodney: “You know, Ronon didn’t have to break my hands.”

Keller: “Well, he was rather upset when he found out you tried to grab my ass.”

THE END

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Spoiler Caps + Irrerevent Dialogue from Stargate Atlantis "TRIO" episode

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