Stargate Atlantis #412 - "Spoils of War" spoiler photos + irreverant dialogue

[wraithfodder]

Yes, once again, ripped from the headlines, er, um, capped from a couple online trailers and new, vastly improved dialogue added. Yes, this was the original storyline for Stargate Atlantis' "Spoils of War" episode. *cough*  You've been warned ;)

Oh, and yes, photos do contain spoilers.

It's a wonderful day on Atlantis. The sun is bright and shiny :)



But all is not good. The team, out on a mission (we'll skip over the scenes explaining why Sheppard is letting Teyla on the mission after grounding her. Eh, who needs continuity? Anyway, like I said, things are bad. Teyla's pregnant.. And she is DEMANDING PICKLES!



Sheppard has no recourse but to acquiesce to her demand, especially after she threatened to beat him up with her banto sticks. He's no idiot. So....



They check the HUD. Thanks to McKay's brilliant research efforts, he's located the only Wraith Wally-World in the Pegasus Galaxy! Surely, this humongous place has pickles.



Parking is hell. Everybody's there. Oh yeah, it's the weekend.



And people aren't obeying the stop signs. Sheesh.




"Gherkins! I want gerkins! And i want them bread'n'butter. Not dill! NOW!!" screeches Teyla.




"Welcome to Wraith-Wally-World," the disembodied pseudo-Wizard of Oz head intones from the large wall. "We're open 26 hours a day, all year around! To make your shopping visit more enticing, stop by Customer Service and sign up for our extra deluxe premiere card which will give you unlimited access to our storage bay. Cost is only two years of life per--"



"We are soooo screwed," whines McKay. "Oh great," mutters Sheppard. "You had to talk just when he was telling us where the damned pickles were located. I'm not sitting through this spiel again."



Teyla takes matters into her own hands and consult the extremely obvious store directory. McKay is worried they've double-parked the puddle-jumper and it'll get towed and they'll have no way to get back to Atlantis. This will be easy, Sheppard had said. Yeah sure, snorts McKay. It's worse than the Mall of America!



Oh yeah, the store directory on the wall is REAL clear. Nobody can find the "you are here" sign.



Sheppard decides the hell with directions. He'll find the pickles on his own!




Uh... guh.... Rodney is speechless (I know, impossible, isn't it?)



THOUSANDS of boxes of Replicator-a-Roni.Hundreds of jars of who knows what and the aisles aren't marked.  Where the hell are the pickles?!



And worse, other customers are fighting over the last box (at least that anyone can see) of Aged Athosian. Not cheese, just aged Athosian. Hey, where the heck did you think they went? 'A dark place.' Ha! Yes, they've been boxed up for sale ;)



Ronon is aghast. They could die of old age before they find what Teyla wants. McKay is trying to zone out with meditation, but instead he just looks like he's sucking on a lemon, and Lorne is wondering how he got dragged on this insane mission,



"Nobody is to tell anyone what we're going to do or I'll kill them," threatens Ronon. "What are we going to do?" quakes McKay. "Find customer service and ask directions."



It's apparent the Customer Service rep has been too long at the job.



So they go to the manager, who looks suspiciously like the Wraith that sucked Sheppard dry last season, but nah, couldn't be. He said he was commanding a hive ship, not dealing with toilet paper.



McKay furiously works away at the store's computerized directory, trying to locate the much-desired Gherkins (and oh no, now Teyla is talking about fudge ice cream!) and that look of boredom on her face is nothing more than a precursor to her snapping at him! And where the hell is Sheppard anyway??



Meanwhile, because he's a guy and refused to ask directions, Sheppard got lost and fell into the clutches of yet another Wraith Queen. Sheppard's not looking worried cuz the Queen has decided to pass on the sale on Athosian Helper (spices up those dull ones) but because just seconds before, he saw the queen pick her nose and now she's going to touch his face and that is just so....eeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's it for this week's installment of rewrite-the-Stargate Atlantis script :) Enjoy....

Oh, you can find the online trailers here:

SCIFI
http://video.scifi.com/player/?id=201342

MGM
http://stargate.mgm.com/

 

Comments

[abracah.livejournal.com]

Pickles!!!!!!!! LOL!!! Glad you added the ice cream in there. No pregnancy would be complete with that combo!

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

I figured I should stick with the lovely stereotypical stuff ;)

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. Between coughing up phlegm (yeah, I know, you didn't want to hear about that) and laughing, I could barely breathe.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed, and don't cough yourself to death! ;)

[sherryw.livejournal.com]

That was great prion. LOL!!! I really enjoy reading these.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

thanks :)

[lorr54.livejournal.com]

Choke! Snerk! OMG, that was too, too funny! If only you could leave that on Joe Mallozzi's blog, pics and all, as a comment!

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Hey, he's always welcome to come over and see how I rewrite his show ;)

[highonstargate.livejournal.com]

And Wraithfodder strikes again! Nothing beats pickles during a pregnancy.(Honestly! I don't really know. The age and things like that...)
And that's it for this week!

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it :)

[permnentregress.livejournal.com]

I read the precut part and thought "oh dear lord, what has she cooked up this time?" with a huge grin on my face, very much looking foward to it. Again, you are too quick with the imagination! Now that SGA is back, we get these every week! Er, I hope.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

As long as they give me trailers to play with online, and a good idea strikes, yup, I have fun doing 'em.

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, you've outdone yourself this time. I don't know why the hell I always seem to be reading these at 1:30 in the morning - I'm sure I woke somebody up. But this...

he's located the only Wraith Wally-World in the Pegasus Galaxy! Surely, this humongous place has pickles.

...had me cleaning sticky-sweet southern iced tea off my monitor - and then it kinda went downhill from there (for me I mean - your commentary just got better and better). In fact, I'm going to go read it again.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

I've noticed I usually pen these after watching a really awful movie on Sci-Fi (Beyond Loch Ness, this time). Sorry about the monitor ;)

[sgafan33.livejournal.com]

How can the real thing live up to this? Very funny!

Minor typo: "Thousands of foxes of Replicator-a-Roni."

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Fixed the typo.

[ditraveler.livejournal.com]

As I read, I was wondering..."Who is this Gherkins?"
"Am I suppose to know who this Gherkins is?"
I was very confuse, curious, intrigued.
Language barrier you see.
Hubby was next to me, Hubby is much faster than internet when one has a query and no desire to type.
Now I know gherkins is a young cucumber. LOL
I learn something from this funny post.
Thanks for sharing it!

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Heh, this parody is even educational! :)

[lelianamckay.livejournal.com]

LOL. You rock! I like your version better than the "we are going to see how to make wraith babies" original...yuck!

Don't they have gherkins on Atlantis anyway? I think I would prefer some cookie dough ice cream.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Hmm, who knows what they have on Atlantis food-wise ;) But the scenario was too good to pass up (or maybe Rodney ate them all so that's why they had to go out and find some more) :)

[margec01.livejournal.com]

LOL! Your commentary is great as usual! And the episode looks very intriguing as well.

I'm remaining MOSTLY unspoiled (not a phobia, I just don't go looking for spoilers much), but I have to know--how soon do we see Carson? It's not this episode, is it?

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I'm honestly not sure about when Carson pops up. Don't believe it's this episode though.

[the-other-sandy.livejournal.com]

Hmm. No parking, reckless drivers, useless and unhygienic employees, store layout that makes it impossible to find anything...who knew you'd been to the Wal-Mart by me?

The last time I went to Wal-Mart, the first employee I asked for help claimed to be a deaf-mute, which I would have been willing to believe if she hadn't been wearing a regular store walkie-talkie (which she wouldn't have been able to hear or speak into) on her belt.

The second employee I asked for help didn't know what a quilt was. I'm not making this up. The more I tried to explain to her what a quilt was, the more I felt like I was trying to explain quaint Earth sleeping customs to someone from another planet. I eventually asked where the sheets were on the theory that quilts would be shelved nearby, but she didn't know what sheets were either(!) and kept trying to direct me to the towels. Ironically, the towels were just past the quilts, so she wound up pointing right at them while showing me where the towels were.

Wal-Mart fails.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Well, the parking is dreadful but it seems to be the whole area. Too many people with no manners. And with Wal-mart. i hated that they rearranged the ENTIRE store. And provided no maps of the new layout.

[ladyniko.livejournal.com]

I have a brand new Wally - not even a year old yet. So, hopefully, we won't be seeing a store reset anytime soon.

But yes, very low intelligent quotient employees - oh yeah - I have seen that repeatedly. It seems to be universal at Wallys. (Though, I do have to say, there was a girl at the new Target in town who did a big fashion "oops" - she was wearing those low cut jeans, and a shirt that didn't really tuck into her jeans then she like reached up for something & showed off pretty much her natural hair color.... I wasn't looking, but of course, the male friend i was with took notice. :-p)

*snicker* Super Wraith Wally World - bwahahahahaha!

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Eegads, no dress code at your walmart?? ;)

I swear, there's gotta be a 'big box store' in the Pegasus GAlaxy, or there soon will be, once we humans from Earth start spreading out ;)

[ladyniko.livejournal.com]

No, no, this was a teeny bopper at Target - you know, the red bullseye people? Her red shirt was one of those "girl" shirts that hug the chest and stop right at the "real" waistline (not the stupid "natural waist" that fashion designers are trying to push off on us :p) and her jeans were the type that were even lower than "natural waistline" - ie, the hip hugger jeans that are totally unflattering on everyone. So.... while she was *technically* in dress code w/ brown/khaki jeans and her red shirt, she shouldn't have been out stocking the floor where she was showing off hair in the wrong area when she stretched.... (and, if you're gonna insist on wearing jeans like that - SHAVE!)

My Wally, at least, doesn't have anyone that young working stocking shelves during normal hours - most of the employees there are older - 40+, so they're not going to go around wearing hip hugger jeans. :-p

Oh yes, I'm waiting for the Target/Wally jokes to show up (DH has been known to prowl Tar-Ghay in Bellingham, WA, so I'd expect him to make jokes about the bullseye store first. :-p)

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Oh, Target. Okay, the nearest target is like half an hour away and with gas prices, it negates any savings so I rarely go there. I hadn't realized they had Target shirts!

yeah, the walmart near me is mostly 40+ folk too.

[seekergeek.livejournal.com]

Ow. I think I hurt myself laughing. *giggles more through the pain*

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Glad to oblige :)

[drufan.livejournal.com]

Thanks for giving me a good laugh on a Monday morning! That was fab.

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

[(Anonymous)]

OMG! LOL!

It's worse than the Mall of America!

brilliant!